standing my ground

So I lived for almost six years, always thinking that I was the one who was wrong and apologizing for something that I didn't believe I had done; before it started getting on my nerves. All these years, when Katherine had fought with me and accused me of hurting her, Joan had stood by her most of the times and sort of agreed with her.

As long as we've known each other, Joan and I have never argued or fought with each other, except when she tried to put across Katherine's point of view which I never seemed to understand. For instance, there was this time when the three of us tried living together just for fun to see what living with roommates felt like. We didn't have to go through much trouble because there was an empty apartment that Katherine's grandparents owned and they both died a couple of years ago. Also, the apartment was furnished with bare minimum necessities. So living there was just fine with us because we got to live with our best friends. It was a minute's walk from where Katherine and her parents lived. So if we needed anything urgently, we could always rush over and get it, because the apartment we lived in didn't have everything!

I was doing my internship those days and travelling had taken a toll on me because I used to travel almost two hours one way. And Katherine's grandparents' house was very close to where I worked. So it took me no time to get a bag full of clothes and toiletries and Joan who lived close by, was just as enthusiastic about the three of us living together. We intended to stay there together for at least a month.

We pooled in some money at the beginning of every week for groceries and milk, and even cooked our own food and did laundry. This gave us some relief that we could manage things on our own and didn't need to depend on our parents.

Things were fine for the first week or so and then it happened. We were dicing vegetables one evening and Katherine suddenly said she wanted to go to meet someone in the neighborhood. She wanted something nice to wear and one of my dresses was just outside, hanging behind a door or something; laid out to dry since I'd worn it to work a few days ago. She had mentioned it to me before that she liked it. Now, it was a nice dress and the only nice dress I had there. Most of my clothes were still at home because it wasn't a permanent move that I had made.

She asked me if she could wear it. I don't remember if she asked me if she could wear it or just try it, but I know that the fact registered in my head was that she wanted to try it, and I said she could. She wore it and suddenly told me she was leaving to go wherever it was that she wanted to go; and my immediate reaction was to stop her. I told her that I wanted to wear it a few days later at this dinner that the three of us had to go to and that was the only nice one I had.

It may sound a little petty, but I was not okay with her wearing that dress outside for three reasons:

1. That was the only nice dress I had there and was planning on wearing it a few days later when the three of us were invited to dinner at some neighbor's house (and that was exactly where she was headed that evening.) So I didn't want to wear something that she had already worn a few days ago. To this her response was, I could wear something of hers - something that she didn't consider good enough to wear to just go out. When I had a nice dress of my own, why would I want to wear hers?

2. I have a habit of emotionally attaching myself to objects and incidents that they relate to. I have liked this guy for years (and we are currently together by the way! :D) and I was wearing the dress when I met him once and he loved it. To use his exact words, he had said that I was looking gorgeous and he wished he had a girlfriend like me. So I didn't want to share that dress with anyone - not just her, anyone. She could have borrowed anything else and I would have been fine with it. Just not that one.

3. We lived just a minute away from her house. If she didn't have something good to wear right then, how much time would it take for her to go home, find something nice and wear it?? It would be something that's hers and that she likes, rather than wearing the only good dress from the few that I brought there!

I was stunned at the look on her face when I told her I didn't want her to wear it and even more stunned when I heard what she said in return.

"You know a part of living together is sharing stuff?" she told me.

She said that as if she had no clothes and because of me not sharing, she had to wear rags!!! You want something nice, take your butt down the stairs, walk it up to your own house, open your cupboard and get something out! Don't borrow from people who have barely got any stuff there and you have got plenty! It's as simple as that.

Things would have been different if we were all living at my place and she needed something to wear. If she wore one of my better clothes, I always had a few more that I could choose from. But such things were beyond her understanding. 

She did get out of my dress and wore something of her own, but didn't speak to me the entire night. Even Joan sided with her and said that I should learn to share, etc. etc. That was the first time that I remember standing my ground before both of them. First, I told Katherine very clearly that I did not want her wearing my dress and she should wear something of her own and then told Joan, that I was okay with sharing and it was up to me as to what I wanted to share. I didn't mind her borrowing my clothes, just not that one.

That entire evening was a nightmare. She came back after going to that neighbor's house in a few minutes during which Joan and I didn't have much of a conversation because Joan seemed to be talking just like Katherine and I didn't want to listen to how I should learn to share and how childish I was being. So we did the vegetables and the rest of the cooking in silence.

When we sat to have dinner, she started it. Just before I was about to put the first morsel of food into my mouth, she was ready with her accusatory opening line. "You're not even sorry for what you did right?" she said.

Was she really saying that? Did she expect me to say sorry because she took something from me without asking for my permission? Does being friends mean that you don't need to check if the other person is okay with what you doing when it affects them? 

The dinner was a disaster. Dinners are supposed to be a time when you share the events of the day with your family or the people you're eating with, not a sob fest. I barely ate anything that night, because Katherine went on and on about how I hurt her and how I didn't care about her feelings. Even though I stood my ground in the evening when I told her that I was not okay with her wearing the dress, I somehow couldn't open my mouth then to ask her to shut up! I went into the silent mode, when she started throwing accusations. I sat there teary eyed and disinterestedly finished whatever was on my plate. Joan urged me to say something, but I couldn't. I had made my mind up that I didn't want to stay there anymore. I was okay with travelling four hours a day to get to work, but I didn't want to come home to this.

Joan and Katherine were still in the kitchen. I guess that night it was their turn to do the dishes and tidy the kitchen after dinner. While they were tidying up, I started packing my bags and a few minutes later they both walked in and saw what I was doing.

Katherine started again and I tried my best to shut it out and continue packing and agreed with everything she said. When she said, "So you don't care about me anymore?" I said, "Yeah! I don't!" and almost agreed with every other accusation that she made just so she would shut up so that it could end and we could all turn the lights off and go to sleep.

We were up till four in the morning, talking it out. Although I don't exactly remember what was said for those five hours since we finished dinner - because it was almost two and a half years ago - but I know it was painful and I cried. I also remember her taking a pleading tone to tell me how much she cared about me and crying while telling me what she got in return from me.

Now, I am the kind of person who can't see someone else cry. I start crying too and go ahead to comfort them. Yeah, you can call me emotionally weak, but I prefer soft hearted.

But somehow that night when she was crying hysterically (God knows what for) I didn't feel like even looking at her, let alone sympathizing or crying with her because this was not the first time she was dumping unnecessary shit on me. This I think, angered her even more and she yelled a little bit. Somehow, Joan and I managed to pacify her for the sake of our sanities; which I know was not the right thing to do. The right thing would have been telling her what her fault was, and making her realize that she cannot be right all the time. But instead, we concentrated more on pacifying her. I guess that was a part of her trick, if I may call it so. When you know it's your fault or you can sense that the other person may point fingers at you, go berserk, start hyperventilating so that instead of pointing your flaws and making you realize your mistake, the others will concentrate on trying to get you to calm down. Maybe even I should try this sometime. But I won't. I'd rather have people tell me what I did wrong so I can improve, than looking for someone to pass the blame on so that I don't have to bow down and apologize.

It was a while before Joan understood this and until then, it was too late because Katherine was so used to not being wrong, that in her head, she always ended up being right and didn't care when even the people closest to her told her that she might be wrong. The funniest part is, even after many such incidents, even though on the face of it, it seemed like she was the one forgiving us (because we were the ones who apologized) it was really we who forgave her and moved on - a fact she has never recognized or appreciated and maybe never will.

I'm not saying that I am free of mistakes and I have never hurt anyone, but I can swear upon God and say that I have never done something like this intentionally!

Initially, I used to be the only one who seemed to disagree with Katherine and have tiffs with her that sometimes turned into fights and we ended up not speaking to each other for months together. But later on, it started happening to others too - the same people who told me that when Katherine pointed out my faults because she cared about me; they realized that most of the times, it was she who was at fault. Not fault per se, but had very high expectations or demands that friends shouldn't have. And the worst part, the giving and understanding was only one sided; and after a point, it began to suck!

I have a few more incidents of the same kind that I will post, before I begin to describe how the friendships deteriorated. But that'll be next time.

Nicole