I described one incident in the last post that described the troubles I had to go through with Katherine; and I had said that I had a few more incidents to share. I’m not able to write the blog in chronological sequence because I am writing the stories as and when I can think of them or as and when I am reminded of them. So forgive the time difference.
As I was saying; there was another incident where I don’t know how but the blame for something I hadn’t even done, got shifted to me. Before I go on to that story, there are some things you need to know about me. I am open to criticism, and I guess if anyone has read the previous posts up till here, they’d know. But the most important thing is, the way it is presented. If you scream on top of your voice to tell me how wrong I am, I won’t even bother to listen to you and then I start acting like a teenager who is rebellious. I will do exactly the opposite of what you want me to do, or what you’d like for me to do. Simple rule, isn’t it?
I’m not saying that I won’t listen to you when you tell me that I am wrong. I’d just be a lot more receptive and willing, if you’d be kind enough to explain it to me like you would explain it to a five year old. Agreed that it is not possible for everyone to have that kind of patience, but I have huge respect for those who do.
This happened about four years ago, somewhere in 2006 I guess. At that time, I was with this guy Nathan for about a year and a half already and I have to admit; except for the first three months - which were beautiful; the entire two years and nine months of the relationship was nothing short of a burden, a pain and close to a nightmare. He was bossy, possessive, controlling and a chauvinist. I’ll definitely go into the details about the relationship later, but get this for now. His most noteworthy trait was his ability to find faults in everything I did. I didn’t know if that was his way to make me a better person (because it didn’t seem like it) or just to make himself feel good for having me under his thumb. Why I didn’t end the relationship is another story. And to establish a proper link, I’d better start all the boyfriend stories right from the beginning.
So Nathan and I were having this conversation over the phone where he was aggressively pointing out my mistake in something mundane and after more than a year of listening to the same kind of accusations only with the situations and a little bit of details changed, I was getting bored. I don’t remember if I was even listening to what he was saying. Somewhere in the middle of his almost yelling, he said to me, “Are you listening? Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you??”
I wanted to ignore that statement; ignore the entire conversation if I could and just hang up. But I wasn’t the kind of person who would hang up while the other person is talking; I didn’t want to win with him by being just like him, so I stayed quiet for sometime before I said, “Yeah! I’m listening.”
“So what do you have to say about this?”
Yeah. After telling me how wrong I am, how I never listen to you and how I end up doing only the things that I want, you want to know what I have to say about this??? Forgive me for having a mind of my own and wanting to make my own decisions about what I want to do. But I avoid confrontations you see. So I didn’t say any of that. I was quiet for some more time and then said, “You know, in one and a half years, you think you know me and everything about me, but you don’t. You don’t even know how to handle me!”
Obviously he was surprised to hear this, but I went on. “So far there are only two people on this earth who know how to get their point across and they’re Joan and Adam (both my friends from high school.) Not even my parents know how to handle me.” This obviously led to another heated argument, but the worst part is yet to come.
A few days later, Katherine and I were sleeping over at Joan’s place and were having a typically girly time. During those days, I was going through another rough patch with Nathan and we ended up discussing that among other things. Who else would I talk to about the problems in my relationship if not for my girls????
I was describing to them how Nathan was telling me something that I had done wrong and was almost yelling at me just to prove his point. I also told them that I had snapped and told him that he didn’t know how to handle me or make me understand something and that only Joan and Adam were capable of doing that. Nothing wrong with that statement right? I was just telling my besties about the conversation with my boyfriend.
Anyone else would have wanted to know what happened later, how he’d reacted and did he promise to put his point across a little more subtly henceforth. But having Katherine in the picture changes a lot of things. Her main concern the minute she heard my statement was, “So you mean to say I don’t care about you?”
Again, as always, I was stunned. How could she make this about her??? There I was telling my girl friends about how things were being a lot difficult with the guy I was seeing and she makes it about herself??
“I have cared and worried about you so much in the past, and I still do? How could you say that only Joan and Adam are the ones who can take care of you?”
She was all fired up and angry just because I didn’t mention her. Did I anywhere say that she didn’t care about me or was not worried about me? Did I say that she always wanted bad things for me or didn’t want good things for me? No! I didn’t even say that she couldn’t handle me. I just said that Joan and Adam could.
She went on the whole night about how I never gave her any importance, how I didn’t value what she did for me, and a whole lot of other things.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but for what she was doing right then, was I wrong in not mentioning her in the list of people who could handle me in the best way when I had done something wrong?? I hadn’t even mentioned my parents for God’s sake. How could she take offence for that?
Joan was not completely on her side this time. She tried to make peace between the two of us. I kept my mouth shut for two reasons. Firstly, because I didn’t want to fight because during the past few years I had learnt to become more subtle and less of a fighter cock. Secondly, because I knew that if I did open my mouth, I wouldn’t have control over what I was saying and would end up saying things that wouldn’t make sense or things that I would regret later (exactly the way she was doing, except that she never regretted it later.)
I agree that was a mistake on my part. I should have done what Joan did that night; tried to explain to her what I meant. Tell her that my intention was not to show her down, but just to ask Nathan to be a little calmer and patient while telling me my mistakes. She didn’t even listen to what Joan was saying and any effort that I would have made would have been just as futile. The night went by like any other night - sullen faces and ruined moods.
The morning was no better because, I didn’t talk to her when I woke up. I just put my things into a bag and wanted to leave as soon as possible. But she wouldn’t have it that way. Not until I told her I was sorry and explained to her how much she meant to me. I was almost out of Joan’s house, with the bags in my hand, my shoes on and at the door, when Katherine began her speech again. I stood there for an hour because she went on and on. I don’t know again why I didn’t ask her to shut up or why I listened to her when she told me I couldn’t leave until I gave her an answer, or why I stayed mum when she was going on and on about things that I don’t even remember as of now.
All I know is that I stood at Joan’s door, holding the handle just waiting for her to stop saying things with tears rolling down my cheeks just so I could leave. I was weak; yes I admit it. I was maybe afraid, I don’t know of what but I stood there listening to her nonsense. I didn’t move an inch.
I remember being in shock, getting a fever after that but I didn’t apologize. What did I have to apologize for? I hadn’t done anything. If anything at all, I was absolutely correct in not mentioning her name in the list of people who could handle me the right way. She was just proving me right. But could I explain that to her? Nope... Would she understand or agree with me even if I did explain it to her?? BIGGER NO!!! So why bother??
This must’ve happened somewhere around July-August 2006 and Katherine and I didn’t speak for a long time, until the whole group planned to go to a trip...
...continued
Nicole
No comments:
Post a Comment