Things have been pretty crazy these past few weeks (or maybe months) and I have reached a point where I might be lured into thinking that I might be going in the same direction too. There's no obvious evidence to support my statement, but I know me, and I know that I am not the same me that I used to be a few months ago. The worst part is that I don't know what has changed or what it was that has made me change.
I have noticed significant changes in my behavior lately. I am not as chirpy and enthusiastic as I used to be. My social life has almost disappeared. Quite a few of my friends have turned out to be hard core bitches and the ones that have been with me always; I am not able to spend enough time with them. I have been isolating myself from my family members and I know this because they have been complaining that I spend most of my time at home being locked inside my room. I am not as active as I used to be. I am just not sure why all this has been happening.
I don't know why, but two days ago I just typed 'symptoms of depression' on google and hit 'search.' I got a shit load of information. I'm just not sure if I can count that as helpful or as something that has added to the mess in my head because quite a lot of symptoms matched my current state. According to the test I took, six of my answers out of ten suggested that I might be depressed and that I should maybe speak to a counselor and get professional advice. It did scare me a lot and even if I'm not suffering from depression, it has got me to believe that I might be.
I just have a feeling that it is better to get help and get it sorted out before it gets worse. Because I don't like the current position I'm in and worse than this is definitely not going to be good.
I spent the entire night weeping and imagining the worst possible things like death and bizarre, severe life-threatening accidents. Of all the things I am or I might be, I know for sure that I am not suicidal. In the sense that I am too much of a chicken to do anything to physically hurt myself and cause pain because I can't handle pain; not even a little bit of it. But I have wished that I would die... more than a few times (and I'm not sure if being this way counts as being suicidal.) I have cried and cried and just prayed that I don't wake up to see the light of the next day and at that moment when I wished it, I hoped that it would come true.
And when I wished to die, I also tried to envision what the scenario would be like when everyone else in the house woke up in the morning to find me dead in my bed. I could imagine their shock and bewilderment about the entire situation; and would they be able to cope up with it. Two nights ago, as I was trying to get myself through the weeping spell, I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried to divert my thoughts and concentrate on just shutting my eyes and my mind.
When I couldn't, I just wish I could get my hands on something that would put me to sleep - maybe just for the night, maybe forever. I'm glad that I couldn't find anything just lying about my house readily available for me to act upon my foolish thoughts, but right then I wanted to get drunk just so that I could forget about what was happening, and to not feel the emptiness that I was feeling.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll wait it out a few more weeks or a month or two at the most. If things don't get better, or they get worse; for my own sake and for the sake of those who love me, I'm going to talk to a professional. It only seems right to do so.
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